Just Never Think What's In Your Heart...

Sitting at this moment in time listening to the sultry, smooth tones of Robert Pattinson (a.k.a. Edward Cullen in Twilight). There are actual tears cascading from my eyes. His voice takes my breath away. I always get overly emotional when i'm sitting alone in the early hours of the morning & then I get creative & then I blog.

I've been giving much thought to what I want at this point in my life. (The last post was indicative of that). I'm 21 & the years are passing too quickly. The days flash by. I wish I could stop time, so I could take a breath & try to work what direction my life is going in, where I'm headed & if i'm walking in the right direction. Am I on the right path? What's in my heart?

I know the man that I want to be with in the present. But things with him aren't always easy. Sometimes I struggle to be myself around him & other times it feels like he knows the "real" me more than anyone. When I think of him, my heart & my head battle. My heart screams "He's the one" & that we would be a perfect fit, but my head whispers "He's not good for you. He will hurt you" & that we could never make each other truely happy. However, there is another factor to consider in this war - my body. When i'm around him, it wins the battle. Every nerve-ending in my body tingles. I'm drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I can't control my body. It cries out. It craves his touch. I'm so sexually attracted to him. I honestly don't know what is right for me. Is he right for me?

Is sexual attraction enough? Is it only sexual what I feel for him? I'm going to answer "No" at this point in time. It has to be more than sexual attraction. I'm sexaully attracted to the Charming Australian who frequents my work. He utters one word - "G'Day" - & my knees go weak, I struggle to put words together & my heart races. Even passing him in the car earlier tonight left me all hot & bothered. That is sexual attraction. I barely know anything about him but I want him so badly. Knowing what I feel for him is easy. Completely sexual. Maybe that is what I should be looking for at the moment. FUN!!! When I saw him today I felt giddy. I giggled. It felt good. In fact, it felt amazing. No worries, no consequences - just fun!!!

But maybe I want something more - LOVE??? It's so much harder with the other guy. It's not always fun. It sometimes hurts, but that's what happen when you feel more deeply about someone. It's painful when you can't be with them when you crave it so much. Also, there are more people involved & it could cause problems. Yes, I have the same emotions for him as I do with the Charming Aussie, but there is more. I could quite happily sit & talk to him for hours about absolutely nothing. It feels comfortable, as natural as breathing. I want to get to know him. I want to find out everything about him - the good & the bad. I want to know what makes him smile & what makes him cry. I want to be there for him no matter what. I care about him. What I feel for him has to be more than sexual attraction? Doesn't it? But do I want more than just sex with him, if it means I could end up getting my heart broken?

Maybe I need the fun that the Charming Aussie brings in to my life...

So Confused!!! What do I want?